i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
