If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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