I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
