being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
