Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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