Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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