this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
