he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
