headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
