Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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