omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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