You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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