i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
