Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
