I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
