I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
