If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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