I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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