I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
then he tried to convert me to islam
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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