He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
