The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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