turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
