her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
two words: eviction party
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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