First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
