need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
