was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
