When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
my poor anus
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
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