I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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