do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
