I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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