What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
