90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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