the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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