It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
