all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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