He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
