I look better un-naked...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
