Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
