How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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