You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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