i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
