if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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