I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
