how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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