I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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