god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
