Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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