Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
