had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
