My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
