Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
