R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
