summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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