so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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