I think I won the penis lottery.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
