this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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