(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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