I just saw a hot homeless man
You smell like stripper and shame
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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