You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
