Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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