I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
