I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
