i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He passed out mid-signature
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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