i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
