Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize