My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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