if only i could text you this smell
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
